Lucid Landscapes

Lucid Landscapes

They wheeled me into the operating room. The room was brightly lit and very cold. This was to be my first time at a hospital for a major surgery. I was moved to the operating table. As you might suspect I was quite apprehensive of this. On a table nearby one could see the steely gleam of various surgical instruments. Sharp instruments that soon would be used to methodically slice through flesh − my flesh. The eerie silence was only interrupted by the beep of the heart monitor. As I was starting to become woozy from the anesthetic that was injected into the I.V. running into my arm, I couldn’t help but wonder if this might be the last time I’d ever be awake. I was now in the hands of God; there was no turning back now.

I awoke in the I.C.U. still groggy from the anesthetic. My time there was kind of fuzzy to my recollection because of the pain medication that I was being constantly administered. In addition to that medication, there was what they called a "pain button" that I could press that would give me a dose of pain medication on top of what I was already getting through an I.V. Regardless of how many times you pushed the button, medication would only be administered every 15 minutes at the most. Mainly I recall my parents milling about and a television set that was in front of me. After a few days they moved me out of I.C.U. into a private hospital room.

I learned that during the surgery a small perforation in my esophagus came about. This surgical complication caused me to have to stay in the hospital for a total of 33 days! The concern was that anything that I ate/drank might end up in the cavity of my chest which might lead to infection and pneumonia. So I couldn't leave the hospital until this perforation healed. To help prevent pneumonia, I had to exhale into this apparatus − a tube with a cylinder inside of it which would go up and down as you breathed into it − multiple times a day. I also learned that my esophagus was very thick in places. The surgeons had to trim away the excess tissue. John Randolph, the main surgeon, a former football player on the OU Sooners, said that this was the worst case of achalasia, a motility disorder of the esophagus, that he had ever seen.

Because of this perforation I couldn't eat nor drink; for weeks my only sustenance was delivered through I.V. (glucose). I regularly used a dampened swab to keep my mouth from becoming dry. In since I wasn't eating any solid food I only had to urinate. Most of the time I was there I used a catheter because it was impractical for me to get out of bed due to all of the hoses and wires connected to me. Later on I would be fed a bag of a thick liquid through a tube going directly to my stomach. Twice a day a nurse would replace this bag. Before they allowed me to eat/drink anything they tested my esophagus by feeding me flavored gelatin. This gelatin would come out through a tube in my stomach and then end up in a bag on the floor. It was really strange seeing what you had just eaten wind up in a bag! After this stomach tube was removed they allowed me to eat regular food. Hospital food, while tending to be bland, is a most welcome sight if you haven’t eaten anything in weeks let me tell you!

What helped me to maintain my sanity during those 33 days would be largely attributed to the kind staff at the hospital who were usually very helpful, my parents (particularly my dad who took off many days of work to see me; my mom was only able to visit me a few times because she couldn't miss very many days of work), and the prayers/support from my church family. I'm quite sure that the Lord was looking after me during this trying ordeal. And, oh yeah, the drugs they pumped into me made my stay a lot more comfortable too.

There were a few “glitches” in my care while I was there. One time a nurse came into give me some kind of a pill. The problem? I couldn’t ingest anything! The sign in my room clearly said so. On another occasion, some guy came into wheel me off to radiation treatment (presumably for radiating a tumor)! I told him that he must have come to the wrong room. He then left. Multiple times a day they checked my blood sugar level with a glucose meter. For a few days my blood sugar level was registering very high. I was puzzled by this until I realized that they were pricking the fingers on the arm where my I.V. went into. The readings were high because of the glucose entering my vein! This mistake stopped being repeated after I pointed this out to a nurse.

There isn't a lot to do when in a hospital really. I spent much of my time watching television, doing crossword puzzles with my dad, and walking inside of the hospital with my dad in tow with the wheeled cart holding my I.V. bag and monitoring equipment). You see I had to have someone help me when I went for a walk because it was inconvenient to disconnect all of the hoses and sensors going to my body. I also had to use a walker which was there to help me from falling something that would be dangerous and quite painful if it happened. Walking was required. I had to go for a walk two or three times a day to help in my rehabilitation.

The bipolar disorder that I have largely went untreated until I was able to eat again. For just about all of my hospital stay I was in a manic (high) stage. This had the interesting effect of altering how the medications they gave me worked. The only thing they could give me was Ativan (lorazepam), a benzodiazepine, to control anxiety, help me to sleep, and act as a weak mood stabilizer. The Ativan was administered on as needed basis. They also gave me morphine for pain and Benadryl (diphenhydramine) for sleep. Eventually I discovered that to get any real rest I needed to take all three of these compounds at once. This “chemical cocktail” proved to be not only effective but offered some interesting side effects to say the least foremost of them being that it caused me to have a bunch of very strange dreams. Fortunately for me I experienced little to no depression while I was there.

I recall one time when I asked the nurse for this drug combo. The nurse said that this would be too much medicine at one time which would certainly render me unconscious. I told her that this wouldn’t be the case (later I learned that ordinarily such a mixture would “knock a mule on its hind end”). My dad who was present at the time confirmed this. You see I was so manicky that this mixture’s sleep producing qualities was largely neutralized. Instead of becoming unconscious immediately, which is what would normally happen, I experienced a profound sense of pleasure − a “buzz” that would last an hour or more. I’ve noticed a similar effect when I drink alcohol when I’m in an extreme state of mania. During these times I’m able to consume an amount of alcohol that ordinarily would knock me out. This reminds me of a story that I heard while in college years ago. A classmate told me how he “sobered up” by taking meth after drinking a fifth of whiskey. He claimed that it was almost like he wasn’t even drunk. I’ve heard it said the mania that meth users experience is similar to bipolar mania. Incidentally, about 60% of people with bipolar disorder have substance abuse problems. Fortunately I’m not among that statistic. What they do is self-medicate when they’re depressed to try to recreate the high that they’ve felt before. While I don’t advocate the use of street drugs, I can see why these individuals, in some cases, turn to this kind of thing. It’s safe to say that many of these people might not have turned to drugs if they received timely and effective treatment of their bipolar.

I think when one is manic it’s sort of like everything is amped up − your senses are heightened and your mind is working at “warp speed”. Oftentimes I get the euphoric kind of mania which I understand is rare among people who are bipolar. This euphoria might best be simulated by one taking some kind of stimulant along with an opiate such as morphine. So intense is this high it would make many people who have bipolar tempted to not take the mood stabilizer that they’ve been prescribed. Along with this sense of euphoria that I experience is a general sense of wellbeing, accelerated thought processes, pressured (rapid) speech, speaking in a louder than normal voice, a noticeable increase in creativeness (it’s a fact that I’ve done some of my best work while I was manic), and hypersexuality (increased sex drive). For a person who has never experienced mania before it’s difficult to explain to that person what mania is really like. That’s because there’s no close analogue to it other than chemically induced mania. Nowadays it’s rare that I have a major manic episode. To be honest, I really miss these feelings of euphoria and the increase in creative capability that sometimes accompanies this state of mind. Some of the best poems that I've ever written I created while I was manic. You can see a clear qualitative difference between poems that I wrote while in a “normal” state of mind versus a manic one. My productivity also goes way up when I'm feeling manicky. When in the manic stage, it's not uncommon of me to write multiple articles and/or poems in a single day.

Morphine, an opiate, does its work by hitting the opioid receptors in the brain which causes the pain signals to be blocked. It also has the effect of creating a euphoric high. Morphine is known to produce intense dream sequences something that I can personally attest to. In my case, it caused me to have a series of dreams − some of which were repeating dreams − that were extremely vivid, very colorful, and interesting. I need to note that before and after my hospital stay I rarely if ever had a repeating dream. I find the phenomenon of repeating dreams (a dream that you have more than once with close to identical content) very fascinating. What might be behind this sort of thing is completely unknown to me. I’d say that some of what I thought was mere dreams were actually hallucinatory dreams, a cross between a dream and a hallucination. Whatever these dreams were or were not, they’re something that I’m sure I’ll never forget. Another thing that may have contributed to the surrealistic dreams that I was having was the nicotine patch that I had on constantly (replaced every 24 hours). The reason I was wearing the patch was because you’re not allowed to smoke in the hospital. I’ve read before that nicotine has some kind of influence on you dreams. The effect, I think, is to make your dreams more vivid and perhaps stranger in nature.

To my recollection, there were a total of seven repeating dreams plus at least three non-repeating dreams. I really wish that I was keeping notes of what all I dreamed. So what all I’m about to tell you is from my memory. 2005, which is four years ago from the time of this writing, was when I had my surgery so what you’ll be getting is mainly the highlights. Some of these dreams were of the lucid variety. Lucid dreaming is where the dreamer is aware that he/she is dreaming. The seven repeating dreams are shown first.

Nazis − I, along with a few other people, were being tortured by some Nazi soldiers. We were chained to what appeared to be a structure resembling a swing set without the swings. The soldiers kept striking us with a whip. Every time I was whipped I felt pain. An interesting thing to note is that I really felt pain something that has never happened to me in a dream in the past. Most usually one doesn’t feel much in the way of actual pain in a dream. Eventually I was able to escape somehow or another through a trail in the forest where I was at.

Vehicles − myself and some other people were riding around in these cars on a track that were automatically controlled. On the rear of each vehicle was an advertisement being shown on some kind of display panel.

Basketball court – I found myself playing basketball there at night. Some other things went on in this dream. Unfortunately I don’t recall these events.

Girl − this was one of the most beautiful dreams that I’ve ever had. It’s difficult to put this one into words but I’ll try. There was this girl who was going through some kind of “time loop”. Each time she’d go through this “loop” she would be transformed into another person (always female) with a different name. What I believe I saw was something akin to reincarnation shown to me in a compressed format (years compressed into just a few minutes). I’m not sure that I believe that the spirits of all people get reincarnated, however, I think that children who die in the womb or later on (before the age of accountability) do come back somehow or another. In some sense of the word they are reborn into the world, I think. I sort of came to this conclusion through the application of logic. For example, let’s say that a fetus was lost through a miscarriage, still birth, or abortion. If indeed this fetus has a spirit − I strongly believe that it does − it rightfully should have some kind of opportunity to be born again into the world. Surely God gives everyone the chance to become an adult. Why? Because until one reaches adulthood they aren’t at the age of accountability yet(some say that this age is 12 years old) which means that if they fail to be saved (except Christ) before this age they won’t be penalized for not knowing the Lord. What other alternative would there be? God is imminently fair and just. He gives everyone the chance to accept Him.

Razor wire − Not all sure what went on in this dream but I do recall climbing over a fence with razor wire on it. As in the Nazi dream I actually felt pain while trying to get through the fence.

“Snow world” − I named this dream this because everywhere you could look there was snow. The weird thing is that the snow had a taste to it and even felt cold. I should note that this is the only dream that I’ve ever had where there was snow in it. Another notable thing is that it’s rare for anything to have a taste in a dream; most usually food (or whatever) has little to no taste to it. The sensation of hot/cold is also rarely found in a dream. In dreams, the senses of sight, sound, and feel are usually predominant. The senses of taste and smell are largely absent from most dreams. This has been my personal experience anyway.

“Slasher” − kind of a cross between a slasher movie and an adult film. This particular dream was very disturbing. These naked women were going around attacking people with knives. I had a knife myself which I used more than once to defend myself from attacks. The violence was extremely graphic − wounds and blood looked quite realistic.

Now for the dreams that didn’t repeat. These dreams were also strange and offered a high amount of detail as with the dreams mentioned previously. Dreams that aren’t surrealistic tend to offer detail that’s murky and vague. This level of detail is what you find in most all dreams unless you’re under the influence of some kind of drug or you have schizophrenia. People that are schizophrenic tend to have dreams that are more colorful, detailed, and vivid. Mania probably also affects dreaming I’d imagine.

Flying saucers − In this dream I was by a lake where there was “parked” three flying saucers (alien spacecraft). I looked inside one of them to see an intricate cockpit, a cockpit not unlike what you’d find inside of an airplane. The detail that I saw was quite good. I’m seriously wondering if this was actually a dream. I may have been seeing this in reality somehow or another. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t see any alien beings. My suspicion is that these flying saucers were actually top secret aircraft owned by the U.S. government.

Zoo − I was at some kind of a zoo. I recall walking through a series of what I might describe as being arboretums (enclosed areas with lots of plant life).

Super Strings − This one is really bizarre. At the beginning of the dream I found myself on board of the U.S.S. Enterprise (as seen in the television series Star Trek). I thought myself to be one of the characters on Star Trek (which one I can’t recall). I’ve had dreams similar to this before. Now here’s the twist: I stepped off the stage! Looking back to where I was at I noticed that the stage was a semicircle − just how it appears in real life. Outside of this stage where I now found myself was near total blackness except for these black cylinders everywhere. Someone (or something) imparted to me that what I was actually seeing where something similar to super strings the building blocks of a universe and that I was in just one universe out of the many universes that exist.
According to Wikipedia:

Superstring theory is an attempt to explain all of the particles and fundamental forces of nature in one theory by modeling them as vibrations of tiny supersymmetric strings. It is considered one of the most promising candidate theories of quantum gravity. Superstring theory is a shorthand for supersymmetric string theory because unlike bosonic string theory, it is the version of string theory that incorporates fermions and supersymmetry.

I also learned that these black cylinders could be combined in certain ways to make anything that you like. Later in the dream I was going through a kind of tunnel where it seemed like I was quickly moving past different universes as I went further into it. It seemed as if I was traveling through a higher dimension perhaps a temporal (time) dimension as opposed to a spatial one. I’ve had other dreams where it seemed as if time were two-dimensional (perhaps even three dimensional). In these other dreams, time was usually represented as being a plane instead of a line. I’ve heard that users of LSD and people who have schizophrenia sometimes experience additional dimensions in space/time. Perhaps I was having kind of a shamanic experience without the aid of hallucinogens such as “magic mushrooms”, peyote, and toads that secrete a coating on their skin that contains hallucinogenic compounds.
Since my hospital stay I’ve extensively studied dreams − lucid dreaming in particular. I’ve also done extensive research on out of body experiences (sometimes known as astral projection) possibly a related phenomenon. My dreaming took a “quantum leap” after I began identifying dream symbols and applying various tests that I developed based on those symbols. Dream symbols are things in dreams that don’t normally happen in reality. Examples: the ability to fly, lack of gravity, distorted sense of time, etc. Once I’ve successfully applied one or more of these tests I tell myself something like “I am in a lucid dream” or that “I’ve reached 100% lucidity”. This is to mentally confirm that I am now in control of the dream that I find myself in. Don’t skip this step because it’s vital.

What I developed was a series of five tests using common dream symbols. Here are the tests that I’ve come up with. 1) Bounce check: jump up in the air; if you fall back down slowly you know that you’re in a dream (dreams usually lack the element of gravity). 2) Light switch test: try to turn on a light; if nothing happens it’s likely you’re dreaming. 3) Body distortion: check to see if your body parts are in the proper places, see if you’re taller/shorter than you should be, if you’re the correct gender, etc. 4) Try to put your hand through yourself or another object (a wall is a good choice); if you’re able to penetrate, you’ll likely come to the realization that you’re dreaming. 5) Attempt to read some text in a book. If you’re really dreaming, the text will generally look weird and will change itself around each time you look at it. Things in dreams are usually unstable, changing, fluid, and inconsistent. A test similar to this one is checking the time on a watch. The second time you check the time the watch will show the time as being hours in the future or the past. Always be on the lookout for inconsistencies as they’re tip offs that you may be dreaming. What do you do once you know that you’re dreaming? The answer is that the sky is the limit because you, not your unconscious mind, is now in control!

I wish that I had been aware of the techniques that I mentioned above while I was in the hospital. Since that time I’ve had a fairly good number of lucid dreams. Somehow I’ve also been able to jack up the level of detail, increase the richness of colors (color in dreams is usually muted), and enhanced the lighting (dreams seem to be dark usually; for instance, you usually don’t see a brilliant sun or a bright blue sky) in my dreams at times. My belief is that this became possible when in someway my conscious mind influenced my unconscious mind so that alterations were made in the dreaming process itself. I think I did this mainly by meditating upon a series of commands to myself while I was awake. Commands might include “I will have a lucid dream tonight”, “Be sure to check all light switches”, “I will be in control of my dreams tonight”, and so on. Usually we think of the unconscious mind affecting our waking mind not the other way around. As I’ve just shown it’s possible to get the reverse to happen via meditation. I wonder what kinds of dreams I might dream if I ingested some mind altering substances right before going to sleep. My guess is that I would have dreams that were even more “amped up” than the ones I had at the hospital. Guess I’ll never know.

The first thing that I did after getting out of the hospital was to go eat at Red Lobster with my dad. I was kind of nauseated so I had to take part of the food home. I probably should have stayed in the hospital one more day. Later I learned that my insurance wouldn’t pay for any more days. Basically they give you the boot after a certain time period unless you pay for extra days out of pocket. After going to the restaurant we headed home. Every day I had to change the bandages where the incisions had been made until things got healed up. The risk of having the surgery done was worth it. Now food doesn’t stay in my esophagus for days and I only experience fairly minor chest pains on occasion. Each year I have an endoscopy done to see if everything looks alright in my esophagus. About every two years I have to go have a barium swallow test. That’s where you have to stand in front of an x-ray machine while drinking this nasty tasting liquid that contains a radioactive isotope of barium. It was a barium swallow test that first indicated that I have achalasia. Later tests confirmed that I have this condition.